TMI: Taking Time (and Piecing It Together with the Help of an Old Bulova)
Haraboji = grandfather
Halmoni = grandmother
Como = aunt; my father’s younger sister
Com-zee = aunt; my father’s youngest sister; technically should also be Como but -zee was made up to help us distinguish between the two aunts
I put my watch on today for the first time since March 13, 2020. I wouldn’t have been surprised if the date counter was caught between 13 and 14. If the second hand was ticking compulsively in place like it wanted to push time forward but couldn’t. I feel like everyone’s collectively been living the same hour, day, week, month, year on repeat—and just now I’m realizing that the recent slew of time-loop movies was actually quite appropriate, even if the storylines got increasingly threadbare. (The best one was Palm Springs, thank you for asking.) I digress. I put on my watch today for the first time since March 13, 2020. While the fashion world gives the watch its singular moment as we rediscover our typical experience of time, my watch catches me in a tangle of moments.
After my Haraboji died in 2016, I didn’t expect to inherit anything significant. Kim Jae Ho came to the states in 1974 as Joseph Kim. Growing up, I romanticized the idea of a hard-working luggage salesman who packed up his wares at 5 a.m. for flea markets, wore the ribbed white tank tops emblematic of his era’s working class, who smoked in Seoul but quit in Bellflower, CA. I mostly dreamt about a man who saved enough money, worked enough markets, and denied himself enough comforts to bring his wife and three children to America.
![Grandfather sits with his two grandchildren on his lap in front of a birthday cake with lit candles.](https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_7371.jpg?w=2400&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1631899536&s=d9f3b2db2dd08972becb5902e7b232da 2400w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_7371.jpg?w=2160&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1631899536&s=9333d8ca5ea8797c9549a650d5d4486b 2160w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_7371.jpg?w=1920&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1631899536&s=fdb18171a7486d6316898447d9cfcc7e 1920w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_7371.jpg?w=1680&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1631899536&s=8fd6ab0b8c466dea1b47fc1dc485b12b 1680w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_7371.jpg?w=1440&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1631899536&s=2d65c261389987b0d78166e3287220a2 1440w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_7371.jpg?w=1200&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1631899536&s=a84faea26f4779ecc209a6faa1d2dc3c 1200w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_7371.jpg?w=1080&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1631899536&s=f0f5720b4b88f84808bb0b47b616b12e 1080w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_7371.jpg?w=960&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1631899536&s=4c8b9fbd459c4025c4fa5b8e7f0aca8c 960w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_7371.jpg?w=720&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1631899536&s=46bb9add82f3bbc98402b48103b40d42 720w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_7371.jpg?w=640&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1631899536&s=dfc90d2ed8b2b55681678b25e1ec5b29 640w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_7371.jpg?w=480&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1631899536&s=55904e7451888204800cb7517e295b84 480w)
Birthday celebration with Haraboji
So when my Halmoni—Kim Sa Sook—felt for my hand on the couch, I thought she just wanted to squeeze it. (She does that occasionally, and part of me thinks it’s her saying “Amen” after a prayer for my damned agnostic soul.) Instead, she uncurls my fingers and drops something substantial into my open palm. She closes her hand over mine and says, “Haraboji.” Her eyes look like they’re focused on the chair beside me, which means she’s actively trying to see my face; she relies on her peripheral vision as a result of severe macular degeneration.
I pull back my hand to inspect the offering: a two-toned, stainless steel Classic Bulova with a bracelet strap and fold-over clasp. The flat face is nothing fancy and the links are caked with a dark tarnish. I look up at my Halmoni and she laughs, “Como and Com-zee bought for him maybe 10, 11 years ago.”
“And you’re giving it to me now? To keep?”
“Sure, sure—take!”
The next time I travel home to Wisconsin, I have a few links taken out and replace the battery.
I’ve worn it ever since—while giving tours of USC to prospective students, while traveling across state lines and continental divides, while writing this essay and the ones that came before it. It’s one of those accessories I never expect anyone to notice, but somehow, people still do. An eight-year-old student I tutored, a former boss at an internship—they comment on its simplicity and elegance, giving me the thrilling high of validation that we all crave. (Some more than others, but it’s always there, lurking.)
![Two college graduates stand back to back in front of a flower bush. The person on the left wears a Bulova watch on their left wrist.](https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_8331.jpg?w=2400&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915599&s=420b7170f53d6176ca8d5354954e9db2 2400w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_8331.jpg?w=2160&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915599&s=3a57aa8267af319bf5b6e1b4efb85120 2160w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_8331.jpg?w=1920&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915599&s=ce7de4ed5dfb42c42f8eda997289bfa1 1920w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_8331.jpg?w=1680&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915599&s=b4337b4312a3b4ae586545a18b7e066e 1680w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_8331.jpg?w=1440&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915599&s=6769de81a4eb6e6ffd88403b9dd0ecf9 1440w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_8331.jpg?w=1200&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915599&s=a8cdf4807712ac2ba91875ad5eef0d33 1200w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_8331.jpg?w=1080&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915599&s=ff0eb03140a366b4c13782ddb60220c7 1080w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_8331.jpg?w=960&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915599&s=1a90dd5360cce5fa6ef34d7268c13f30 960w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_8331.jpg?w=720&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915599&s=9e5c649b737bced3eaf6d7786708711b 720w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_8331.jpg?w=640&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915599&s=9a16fee44e543ad6270f5e09d7978af6 640w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_8331.jpg?w=480&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915599&s=4997a394db1ed998f334e7cb3a1c725a 480w)
Graduation day (L)
Sporting my Haraboji's watch and earring from Ridge & River (R)
Maybe it’s the Leo in me. Maybe I’m just desperate to share that it was my Haraboji’s—though, I never use that word in casual conversation. Should I? Am I doing my culture a disservice if I choose assimilation over history? Isn’t a watch—or any inherited jewelry, for that matter—one of those rare, seemingly innocuous invitations for passersby to do more than just dip their toes into your stream of consciousness? They ask and suddenly find themselves awash, even drowning, in the multi-generational current that has pushed, wound, and planted you in this particular moment. Isn’t a watch the perfect window for outsiders to peer into who you are and how you got there?
Part of me wonders what, if anything, I’d have to say. My Haraboji was a man of few, grunted words like, “You hungry?” “You full?” “D’as good.” “So strong!” And not much else. I suppose I wasn’t the best conversationalist at age eight or nine; but quite frankly, I hardly knew the man. In hindsight, my trust in, and knowledge of him relied entirely on the sparse stories I remembered from childhood.
But knowing that doesn’t make confronting the prickly reality of my Haraboji’s faults any easier. Because contrary to the narrative I grew up believing—and the narrative my family immortalized as he neared death several times over six years—Haraboji was not a man who saved or denied. In conversation with my Como, I learned that my Halmoni was the one who brought our family to America. It was her connection who helped them. It was her ingenuity and vision that turned the tide. In fact, Haraboji was little more than dead weight in their passage and progress. He gambled, and like most gamblers, felt that his first big win was just around the corner, except habits like those exist in liminal spaces defined by second hands that tick without moving and date counters caught between numbers.
It’s been years since I learned this, during which time, wearing this watch has come to feel like a lie, a truth, and a challenge all at once. It’s a revisionist history about a father who was less-than in life and greater in death, a testament to the masculine reverence perpetuated by Korean culture, a calling to celebrate my Korean-American hyphen through all our collective missteps, and an appeal to do better.
![Image shows Salvador Dali's painting, "The Persistence of Memory". It is a barren landscape with various melting clocks draped over wood, tree branches, stone.](https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/persistenceofmemory1931.jpg?w=2400&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915647&s=e705e343982af1ac4de5881ad7e4c054 2400w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/persistenceofmemory1931.jpg?w=2160&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915647&s=7d744e59673a6a36ae0cbdaf2d13cfc2 2160w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/persistenceofmemory1931.jpg?w=1920&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915647&s=c83f33b617927feb56daf9e64c2cc772 1920w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/persistenceofmemory1931.jpg?w=1680&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915647&s=9d9a7c051ced7fb85e4d63937e382083 1680w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/persistenceofmemory1931.jpg?w=1440&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915647&s=374d14e3b71b8cd5dde5f59020c41deb 1440w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/persistenceofmemory1931.jpg?w=1200&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915647&s=bf74d118563703ce587a88a3ed9d498c 1200w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/persistenceofmemory1931.jpg?w=1080&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915647&s=7988629dab642a8fb4220fa81c050e85 1080w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/persistenceofmemory1931.jpg?w=960&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915647&s=10e2db5ec695f1e936541d18b1ca95e4 960w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/persistenceofmemory1931.jpg?w=720&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915647&s=81e4a0420cee8b3f23fbde5f5c0bada6 720w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/persistenceofmemory1931.jpg?w=640&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915647&s=b95f54883f295e18f37007f9efcdc7fe 640w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/persistenceofmemory1931.jpg?w=480&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629915647&s=a677be6107ffacd0507ca5141010d9ed 480w)
The Persistence of Memory (1931) by Salvador Dalí
Now, I wistfully dream of the day when my Halmoni tells me herself, “It was me. I got us here. I took care of the family. But men are fragile, and immigrant families are, too. And it was easier for us to uphold the culturally acceptable façade of a man in charge.” But unless I learn Korean—or she dramatically improves her English at age 85—neither of us will ever share the words. Still, I wonder if time will feel suspended then, how many scuffs I’ll have left on the two-tone finish.
Whether out of convenience or something more profound, I have a habit of leaving the watch in PST. It reminds me of the time where my family put down roots, where I rediscovered those roots, where I started to reconcile my Haraboji with all he wasn’t, and where I first celebrated my Halmoni for all she is. It keeps me on, and in time, like every good watch should. And when I pass it down, it will be an ask to look upon our story with a keen eye for growth, with not a gavel but a notebook, with grace and patience in the face of generational difference.
Or, depending on who receives it, it will just be an old watch with a dead battery—and that’s OK, too. I will say, “Take,” and it won’t be a request—God forbid, an order—to carry the weight of our family’s chronic feud between hard facts and convenient fictions. At most, it will be a door left open to explore the delicate genre of memoir, both written and spoken, so that its recipient may exist in an actualization of moments all their own.
![Noah stands with arms folded across his chest while wearing an olive green tee shirt and his grandfather's watch. A tattoo with Korean text is on his inner arm.](https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/received_202645224214283.jpg?w=2400&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629916394&s=68f223cead786b9f69c40ec5d7632012 2400w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/received_202645224214283.jpg?w=2160&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629916394&s=69a413ea39e3ae303331b8b1c5a64bd9 2160w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/received_202645224214283.jpg?w=1920&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629916394&s=7eb426e7c33b7383c43ffab95b192343 1920w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/received_202645224214283.jpg?w=1680&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629916394&s=476d3b808417ae87535925691796fbd4 1680w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/received_202645224214283.jpg?w=1440&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629916394&s=c8bf7309ec42c4858e24dc83c0d275f4 1440w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/received_202645224214283.jpg?w=1200&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629916394&s=b9d66f3b0e3c6aa716021929a89c8bbd 1200w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/received_202645224214283.jpg?w=1080&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629916394&s=579c63dfc292802fe8de1d205d166077 1080w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/received_202645224214283.jpg?w=960&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629916394&s=dc24bd377b1a0bb7a7f59983b1784850 960w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/received_202645224214283.jpg?w=720&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629916394&s=9c3ad711345f0e789cf42979223154b4 720w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/received_202645224214283.jpg?w=640&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629916394&s=38ebe9248f6a3118d32312f52980596b 640w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/received_202645224214283.jpg?w=480&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1629916394&s=2f00f7400b583d00e90f311176e4073d 480w)
Noah Kim is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. His portfolio of professional and personal work can be found at noahkim.info.