TMI: Transformation Tank
July 19, 2021 — Articles
Written by
![Halee_Hastad profile photo](https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/users/Halee_Hastad/View-recent-photos.png?w=100&h=100&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1624464464&s=10826d39c2de2112ca95c05759803ea8)
How one simple linen top spurred a complete overhaul in my personal style and attitude. This story is part of our TMI series. A collection of essays that detail those pieces in our life that have a story to tell.
There was a time in my life when I only wore black clothing. I lived in Bellingham, Washington, a humble city north of Seattle where the sun sets forever over the Puget Sound and the winter rains seemingly never end. I was working as a barista while studying journalism and thought wearing all black was cool, tough, and most importantly, mysterious. I wanted to be taken seriously and perceived as cut-throat. I thought a black wardrobe was the key to being those things, and, really, it may have been. I surely felt like a chic and intimidating force not to be messed with.
It was a period between 2013 and 2016 where I excelled in things I was passionate about, spent a lot of time alone, and experienced my first real taste of significant loss. I had two or three pairs of black Levis I wore on heavy rotation and a collection of simple, solid black collared shirts and various sweaters that compiled something of a capsule wardrobe. I could be seen on any given day, at any given time, in black pants, a black shirt, a black blazer, and a pair of black leather boots. I was in my early twenties, acting as unbothered as I possibly could, and wearing black clothing was a central part of my identity.
![Person stands in hallway wearing all black. Their hair is braided, they wear a long black coat and black heeld boots, and are holding a coffee cup in one hand while taking a mirror selfie on their phone with the other.](https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2113.jpg?w=2400&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273647&s=9a9ad18cd899a97930dc96a5dc311be7 2400w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2113.jpg?w=2160&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273647&s=b9ae10233ebac71438c20491c00ccdaa 2160w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2113.jpg?w=1920&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273647&s=fbbd8e203c643c77ecaaec15bc6c380a 1920w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2113.jpg?w=1680&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273647&s=f8bec1701ef898dda33169628a18385a 1680w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2113.jpg?w=1440&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273647&s=11f33490d1810fe78580f0d00d8652d6 1440w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2113.jpg?w=1200&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273647&s=0750516008c786812fce32218da0ea54 1200w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2113.jpg?w=1080&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273647&s=889f004a9c6a242ceda5d239bdb2ed06 1080w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2113.jpg?w=960&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273647&s=4c95b1a274a3ff29ffd321be40555db6 960w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2113.jpg?w=720&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273647&s=b6b5329e518b91bcd7cb17f1cd70254d 720w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2113.jpg?w=640&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273647&s=7eac70244cadc5c44d31f7dccbb106a6 640w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2113.jpg?w=480&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273647&s=6fd6b36fd09c8b9cc3d95d788bbfc8e5 480w)
![Person stands in front of the sink in a public restroom wearing all black. The outfit is a long black shirt, black jeans, and black Blundstone boots. Person reclines against tiled wall with their phone.](https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2112.jpg?w=2400&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273734&s=1b326f3a5ed2826f7f5fa54fd6dd6ab7 2400w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2112.jpg?w=2160&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273734&s=a259742f02ec759a6f45865a80a93280 2160w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2112.jpg?w=1920&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273734&s=4f3af85277756a171f451ed9b4026c4a 1920w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2112.jpg?w=1680&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273734&s=5d962a4c5f4d7371f9559efd8de29e40 1680w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2112.jpg?w=1440&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273734&s=4fe78f006dab9204e1702a849b342b88 1440w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2112.jpg?w=1200&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273734&s=49d1fcad7f698c4aa9af86fdf48db7a2 1200w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2112.jpg?w=1080&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273734&s=5f8bc87f5af798cf57227faceb12e639 1080w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2112.jpg?w=960&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273734&s=4c22cb802af12d12e1c9ceda84af70b4 960w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2112.jpg?w=720&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273734&s=1dc31e4a772bd0b4713bd80408507d1e 720w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2112.jpg?w=640&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273734&s=3b9bb3f9b88c6be6cee72a1f5872c6ed 640w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/IMG_2112.jpg?w=480&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273734&s=53b741b86c29b21809e8bbf4da830c5a 480w)
My final quarter of college started at the end of March 2016. I began considering post-collegiate life, things I wanted to do and where I wanted to do them. I had also started to transition out of the various rolls I held over the years. One at a time, I removed the many hats I had worn, and, somehow, loosened up a little bit. I can recall my best friend calling me “fun Halee”, a name indicative of my slow crawl away from being a constantly too busy at work on something, not so present friend. Somewhere subconsciously I decided it was about damn time I stood back and enjoyed my final few months of college in a real relaxed kind of way.
This transformation of character came conjunct with a big change in my wardrobe, which was spurred by an introduction to linen and the power of shades of white.
I met a woman, now a friend, named Patricia through subletting my apartment to her. She had just moved up the coast from Los Angeles and presented herself in stark contrast to the pseudo-punk alternative hippie explorer social scene that ruled Bellingham. I remember meeting her for the first time - watching her from the window as she strolled up the street with her months-old baby. She was wearing head to toe shades of white linen and looking immaculate. And there I was, someone who had been so proudly heavy-hearted in my black clothing, thinking to myself that I wanted nothing more in that moment than her outfit.
I came to know Patricia well, learning that she made much of her own clothing and sold a limited line of it online. It is from her that my very favorite piece of clothing came.
![Person stands outside with their left arm raised. They are taking a mirror selfie while wearing a white linen tank top and white linen skirt. Photo taken in long oval mirror, with trees and a brown fence in the background.](https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-2-TMI.png?w=2400&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273798&s=15a5d279311bf1c2a922fc04cf56157e 2400w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-2-TMI.png?w=2160&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273798&s=aef3832e330c90002d84f25b99f1e610 2160w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-2-TMI.png?w=1920&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273798&s=c57264d1f2cb90b18bec67b08c9033a8 1920w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-2-TMI.png?w=1680&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273798&s=6d5ffc80b7b93643036bfbe38d06becd 1680w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-2-TMI.png?w=1440&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273798&s=2428d77da84faaa61a7fd18bde8b9a0b 1440w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-2-TMI.png?w=1200&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273798&s=8cac7cf6ff49b07a828d020c692a9bc2 1200w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-2-TMI.png?w=1080&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273798&s=a1196c2af32f98af4cb35b049ab64224 1080w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-2-TMI.png?w=960&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273798&s=f4c6c1eaa70e7079085da03f83a5f308 960w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-2-TMI.png?w=720&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273798&s=d057412632aebe953ce88e5e361273bc 720w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-2-TMI.png?w=640&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273798&s=8e79c0686753f9470cc11e85fc3bfa6a 640w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-2-TMI.png?w=480&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273798&s=19c61a639e18afaad59435bdee2cc1e7 480w)
![Person reclines on a bed in all white linen while snapping a mirror selfie. Their legs are crossed and they are propped up with one arm. A red woven tapestery hangs in the background.](https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-1-TMI.png?w=2400&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273943&s=5458e4168c3db36dc2a07a9a0a1fd474 2400w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-1-TMI.png?w=2160&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273943&s=372d45b88f9e7d3ffe59fd260f5454c2 2160w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-1-TMI.png?w=1920&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273943&s=d6427d16da89d3f05353b4a716942e1b 1920w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-1-TMI.png?w=1680&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273943&s=b84bca2e59b3a04e010c054f32fde7a8 1680w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-1-TMI.png?w=1440&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273943&s=98ff2ad57c1a96a97b1c8e437f330e1c 1440w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-1-TMI.png?w=1200&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273943&s=d2d33e8999e6b49aeedc11e7547f4c9a 1200w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-1-TMI.png?w=1080&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273943&s=0451b7e02d576e00a4896dd48ee5a43d 1080w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-1-TMI.png?w=960&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273943&s=69c713e03c5be4971502a432d097330d 960w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-1-TMI.png?w=720&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273943&s=21fe83a0935a79a1b73486d4cb21d27e 720w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-1-TMI.png?w=640&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273943&s=b77465b6e4909434ebde8f8af9ff7c2b 640w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-1-TMI.png?w=480&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273943&s=b37f283140ab2e5dfcf1d285692b14b0 480w)
This item is a beige, linen cropped tank that I paid 40 dollars for. I asked Patricia to make it and recall feeling a sweet excitement in her living room as she took my measurements. It was the first time I had ever had something so intentionally made for me. It’s a simple piece, really. A boxy cut, maybe 22 inches wide and 10 inches from the collar to bottom hem with 2 inch wide shoulder straps. There’s no print on it, no zippers or buttons. Not even a tag.
I became somewhat obsessed with this top despite it’s perceived plainness. For me, it meant something more than covering the upper part of my body. It was symbolic of a new version of myself. With this top in hand, or, rather, on my body, I was able to give myself permission to lean into a change both internal and external.
As the end of spring quarter drew near I decided I would move to Brooklyn, New York. This was about as far away as I could think of getting. I had never been there and didn’t know anyone, which was perfect. I shopped around for more linen clothing in shades of white prior to moving, and wore the cropped tank only when I was feeling special. It was one of those pieces that couldn’t be worn too much for fear of either getting a stain on it or it somehow losing its magic.
In June I flew into NYC with only a backpack of my best linen garments and a few pairs of blue jeans. I was prepared to present this new version of myself - a linen girl. No one there knew that I had been wearing black for the past however many years. It was an opportunity to reinvent myself and to do it wearing a whole new look.
That summer I wore the beige linen cropped tank to every important event. I met one of my closest friends during a Kevin Morby concert at Rough Trade while wearing the top. And I went to a fourth of July party in Bushwick where I coincidentally met many of my future co-workers while wearing the tank. I danced well into the early mornings in this piece of clothing, wore it to the beach, and all over New York City. I introduced myself to my future in a new place with all new people while wearing this shirt, and in it I felt loose and confident. Freed of something I left behind me in a heap of black clothing.
![Person walks down the beach barefoot and smiling. They are wearing a white linen dress with a red shawl draped over their shoulders. They are carrying their shoes in one hand. The ocean is in the background.](https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-3-TMI.png?w=2400&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273889&s=9a4f1eb252658783c823ee9123780130 2400w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-3-TMI.png?w=2160&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273889&s=9a3ea82f19965a0661f254ea9381a77c 2160w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-3-TMI.png?w=1920&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273889&s=bbe41c8be5143bbb84f98179bff658f6 1920w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-3-TMI.png?w=1680&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273889&s=aaa0802547e04a21dfb9b241f254ba4d 1680w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-3-TMI.png?w=1440&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273889&s=9d3986f1587263b6eca463ceea9d73a9 1440w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-3-TMI.png?w=1200&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273889&s=c050cd301732bfde089b0cb984142cac 1200w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-3-TMI.png?w=1080&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273889&s=05cc4ae3bef78ee3c529ea6cc9df6b91 1080w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-3-TMI.png?w=960&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273889&s=40797930e7e69f9ab93641324508c38d 960w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-3-TMI.png?w=720&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273889&s=ca56d764d2a26c63f2c13c6234793aff 720w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-3-TMI.png?w=640&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273889&s=c9a7afcde3583f2acf4b932ed98c6f6f 640w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/Halee-3-TMI.png?w=480&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273889&s=87aa453accaaddc6d0adb3a9fb8b53f8 480w)
![White linen tank top hangs in foliage.](https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/tank1.jpeg?w=2400&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273831&s=8ac539310b249b45f8993c4da18d7667 2400w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/tank1.jpeg?w=2160&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273831&s=5fbe76a0d6ae6a120421feaab4813925 2160w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/tank1.jpeg?w=1920&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273831&s=4079d9bf9bcb72bf65bcf400d35c45f9 1920w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/tank1.jpeg?w=1680&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273831&s=112fa155aac2bd8535beadd0a44f5e80 1680w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/tank1.jpeg?w=1440&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273831&s=13f138f05b99f9e5da5d2a0358113f43 1440w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/tank1.jpeg?w=1200&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273831&s=14e3a6fe3d60fa8a1002a1418edcae7c 1200w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/tank1.jpeg?w=1080&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273831&s=156a8f10b4046a8a408827c86246e526 1080w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/tank1.jpeg?w=960&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273831&s=8bbad2ddba98e3860558f5c44830eddd 960w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/tank1.jpeg?w=720&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273831&s=670d316c017358dc926ac104a06b78be 720w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/tank1.jpeg?w=640&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273831&s=ab5d490ddfdf846ca76bea1198403ea2 640w, https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/uploads/tank1.jpeg?w=480&q=80&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1626273831&s=4f4af447f70ff154dd408096f363f4b3 480w)
Now, five years later, I’ve managed to amass a considerable amount of linen shirts, skirts, and dresses in shades of white. I wear them all of the time and they’ve replaced my black clothing as a part of a more permanent, less angsty identity.
I sit on my deck in Upstate New York and write this story with the same fondness for the beige linen cropped tank as ever before. Spring has come and I have brought my summer wardrobe back out in anticipation of a tan, long warm nights, and, of course, wearing this favorite piece. It’s weathered a half-decade of my life with me and is showing signs of its age, which is perfectly okay. So am I.
xx
![Halee_Hastad profile photo](https://transforms.noihsafbazaar.com/production/users/Halee_Hastad/View-recent-photos.png?w=100&h=100&q=60&auto=format&fit=crop&dm=1624464464&s=10826d39c2de2112ca95c05759803ea8)
Halee Hastad mostly writes short stories about strangers without them knowing it. Her professional work has covered music and entertainment since 2014 in the Pacific Northwest, Midwest, and on the East Coast. She recently purchased a home in Upstate New York where she enjoys taking care of her houseplants, rollerblading, and spending time with her dog, Beau. She really does like long walks on the beach. You can find her on Instagram @reallynice, or surf her not super fancy website www.haleelove.com